When “the Villain” in Your Life Dies: Grief and Eulogy

We’re All Human, But Not All of Us Are Nice Humans

Have you ever been to the funeral of a loved one and wondered if you were in the right place because the eulogy was so different from what you knew of that person? It’s happened to me! I’ve also read obituaries where someone abusive was described in glowing terms. Why do we pull out the red carpet for someone when they die – no matter how unpalatable they were in life? And is it the right thing to do?

In real life, we have family members who may have neglected us or abused us. Or we simply have family that we don’t, or didn’t, like very much. For the purposes of this blog, these are our “villains.”

Grief can get complicated in those situations. If we are a close family member tasked with eulogizing the “villain” in our life, it is like walking on landmines – each memory having the potential to unlock our own hidden trauma, remorse, disgust or fear. We might even fantasize about delivering a “tear-the-bandage off” post-mortem life review. As satisfying as that might be in our minds, being brutally honest at a funeral or celebration of life may result in a heavy emotional weight for others in the room, not to mention for ourselves.

Note: Some of us may have had a family member who did harm in the community or acted criminally and are struggling to find the space to grieve that person, but that is for another blog. It is very often the case that those family members are very much loved, and the challenge is to honour our grief when society tells us we shouldn’t be grieving. That is a very different kettle of fish and very sensitive – best left for a future conversation.  

The Death of a Villain

When a person we love dies, we feel free to embrace our grief, and others around us understand our grief. Our grief is shared and understood at a funeral or celebration of life or around the kitchen table. People get what we are going through, and we may feel supported through the worst moments.

When abuse or neglect is involved, grief is not so straightforward.

Children of abusive or neglectful parents will likely be experiencing complex grief in the days, weeks and months after the death of the abusive parent. They may even continue to suffer abuse as they grapple with whether or not to take on a caregiver role. And often, the abused suffers in silence because the abuse or neglect is a secret. It might not feel safe to tell anyone – not even as an older adult. Hopefully this is a dynamic that is changing for the better, but it still happens. As a death doula, I have seen first-hand the anguish caused by a sense of duty or diplomacy.

In popular culture, mourning the loss of the villain is not something that is modelled for us. When we look at movies, the death of the “bad guy” is celebrated. Very rarely does the villain archetype have a family that endured years of damaging behaviour on the part of the recently deceased. Cameras don’t pan over to the villain’s partner or children so we can see how they are handling the news. If there is an acceptable way to face the death of our villain, the model for it is not en plein aire.

The History of Eulogies: When Did People Start Giving Them?

The term “eulogy” itself comes from the Greek word eulogia, meaning “good word” or “praise”. By very definition, it implies that we are supposed to say something nice about the deceased. The tradition of giving eulogies is ancient, and the practice likely predates written history. Eulogies date back to the classical era of ancient Greece and Rome. It’s been the case for ages now that when a funeral service is held, a eulogy is expected.

The other landmine is the obituary – laden with the same mental, emotional and spiritual weight as the eulogy. What follows can really apply to both eulogies and obituaries, but for simplicity I’ll continue to mention eulogies.

Balancing Truth and Compassion

So how do we acknowledge a “villain” when they die? What do we do when we find it difficult to say ANYTHING nice or kind? It’s possible that even the most traumatic relationships have moments where we can point to the grace of a lesson learned, or some insight for ourselves that have served us well.

I like to think of us not as human beings with souls but as souls having a human experience. If I believe that we are all part of the divine and all here on earth to learn something, I see us all as souls doing the best we can with the heavy, physical limitations of having a body, having limited perspective, having limited sight (physically humans are able to see less than 1% of the visible light spectrum not to mention what we can’t see metaphorically!), limited opportunities….and that makes me feel compassion for even unkind people. If I get past my dislike for a person and sit in quiet contemplation, I have space to consider that the person who gave me such a hard time must have had their own significant challenges in life – and most likely their own traumas, grief and sorrows that shaped them into the person that they were.

There is a saying, “Don’t judge someone for their mistakes just because they are not the same mistakes you make.” Being a completely flawed person myself, I often remember that phrase if I find myself judging someone – even someone that I think has been cruel or mean to me. I’ve made mistakes. That other person is making different mistakes.

This perspective makes it easier to navigate the memory of a person in a gentler way. It might even be possible to see some of the most negative experiences I had with that person as moments that taught me something positive – like resilience, or patience, or compassion. If I think along these lines, I may be able to write an anecdote or story that acknowledges a difficult moment but also finds some grace.

Here are some strategies you might want to consider if you find yourself in a position of having to eulogize the villain in your life:

• Focus on Factual Moments: Avoid fabrication. Stick to the facts and describe the person’s life without embellishment.

Example: Although I don’t remember my dad spending any time with me, I know that he spent many hours at the office to ensure that we had everything we needed.

• Neutral Tone with Honesty: Writers often recommend balancing truth with compassion. The tone should be respectful but not overly sentimental or false.

Example: Alcoholism is a pervasive disease that has a genetic element. It was not surprising then, that Rosa sadly struggled with this same illness after being raised in a toxic environment, surrounded by alcoholics.

• Highlight Positive Contributions, Even if Small: Even difficult people may have contributed positively in small ways. Acknowledge these contributions on their own.

Example: My mom was skilled at making perogies. She never missed an opportunity to make them for the church socials.

• Incorporating Humor Carefully: Some eulogists might consider subtle humour to diffuse the tension, but this must be handled with care to avoid appearing disrespectful.

Example: Walter was the epitome of a mean man. So much so that Hollywood modelled their villains after him in blockbuster movies.

Navigating Your Own Grief

It is perfectly normal to feel relief at the death of an abuser or a toxic parent, but that relief may be tinged with guilt or anger. As a death doula, I reassure my clients that everything that they feel after the death of a “villain’ is the right thing to feel. Relief, and even happiness are fine. Let it all hang out. When I work with people who are facing the death of an abusive person, I sometimes suggest drafting a eulogy while they are still alive. While that may sound harsh, it can be easier to write when we feel clear-headed instead of when we are in the throws of a very complex grief.

Honouring Your Process

Writing eulogies for our villains is a deeply personal process. It’s important to honour our own emotions, whether they are filled with anger, sadness, or even relief. While society often expects us to speak positively of the deceased, it’s okay to acknowledge the full complexity of the relationship. An article from the CPTSD Foundation is a first-person account of the complex emotions that arise from generational trauma.

Do you have to eulogize a parent or other family member when society expects you to? I am not so sure about that. I believe that there is some grace in not having a service (if that is a choice you have the power to make) and simply allowing that person to fade away so the focus can be on your own spiritual and emotional health.  

Often, a funeral service will happen whether you want it to or not. Should you attend the funeral of your villain when it is a close family member? I honestly don’t know the answer to this, but I would love to hear from you if you have had to endure this. Did it provide relief and proof that you were free from abuse? Was it too traumatic to be a relief? If you are able to talk about it I would be so honoured if you would share that with me.

I truly hope that you don’t have a villain in your life. If you do just know that it IS complicated and it is perfectly all right to have mixed emotions. No one gets to tell you how to feel.

If you are struggling with the impending or recent death of your “villain,” please consider seeking support. It’s definitely one of those things in life that warrants having a helping hand.  If you contact me, I can help you and also provide you with valuable resources to help you through your current challenge.